When it comes to thinking of an idyllic Christmastime, I often find myself daydreaming about my Decembers spent growing up in Germany. I don’t know if it was the time, or the place, or my age- or a holy trinity- but Christmas was once magical to me. There was magic in the very air…

It all began with the singing. I remember learning to sing all of the Christmas songs in German at school. “O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum…wie treu sind deine Blätter!” I had a very special 6th grade teacher who took my class to an “old folks” home…where we sang the German carolls to them by candle and Christmas lights. I believe we brought them cookies, as well. Or- maybe they gave us cookies. Either way- what I remember most is the feeling. You could feel the warmth in every heart…see the joy on all their faces. I remember golden angels (decorations) in the room, sparkling as they caught the light.

Then there was the Nutcracker! Yes- the ballet. I remember getting dressed in my best dress to go to downtown Augsburg to see the Nutcracker! Tchaikovsky! The smell of the spiced, roasting nuts being sold outside! The crisp snap of the winter air…then peeling off your coat once inside the warm, beautiful opera house.

Then- the Augsburg Perlachtum with the glockenspiel show! Downtown in Bavarian cities (I don’t know about the other German states)…there is always a big church and bell tower. At Christmastime there is a nightly ”show” involving beautiful bells and lights and angels. Picture a cuckoo clock as a beautiful old building, and at a special hour, angels come out of the clock to sing. So magical….

After visiting the Glockenspiel, one could wander throught the Christkindelsmarkt…looking at all the beautiful hand crafts, sipping on delicious glühwein (no drinking age in Europe, atleast not back then).
What’s Glühwein? Try this recipe and enjoy for yourself: http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,173,153179-248199,00.html

There was the gathering of food, clothes and toys….hosted by the military…where we would all donate goods for families in need. I’ve always enjoyed spirit and commaraderie of military families. I think the
general population simply doesn’t realize what it is to be military, and how much good they do. It is easy to confuse bad governmental decisions and war with the military….but they are not one in the same. The military is made up of people who will die to protect you and the things you hold dear without asking questions…you would not want to be without them! I always found the true spirit of charity in the military.

There were other fun things- like the advent calendar, lebkuchen (a spicy honey cookie: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/lebkuchen-i/), driving out to the Black Forest region for hiking, going to cut your own Christmas tree, gathering with your friends and neighbors, taking ten dollar flights on army cargo planes to go home to the States to see family…

Sigh.

One thing I do not remember is presents. I mean- I am sure I was given presents, I am sure I gave presents…but this is not what stands out to me when I dream of Christmases past. It’s not what Christmas is about…never has been. So- where did it all go astray? What is it that is leaving me so lackluster these days? And how do I make sure- inspite of feeling jaded, myself- that Bodhi experiences the magic and the Christ spirit?

Every year I only give handmade gifts…from my heart. It is more meaningful to me to spend my time and creativity crafting something, and then to share it with my loved ones. I refuse to participate in the consumer/capitalist hamster wheel also known as Christmas. I donate my money and time to people in need…who truly need. Charity and thoughtfulness are what is Christmas to me…and I try to share that. But…to what end?

I mean- I recently spent hours trying to recreate a healthier version of my Grandma’s Christmas kiefels, only to hear my mother’s critical critique of how they weren’t right and “Grandma would have had a fit”. A couple of Christmases ago- I baked 4 different kinds of biscotti and packaged it beautifully in mason jars…only to hear my brother say, “Why did you send me some broken cookies?” I’ve listened to a tired relative grumbling through making Christmas cookies. Put up with people saying to me “What should I get you for Christmas? You’re so hard to shop for.” (To which I have many responses: 1. Please don’t buy me anything, I am not in need 2. It is actually insulting to hear that you can’t think of one thing about me that would inspire your “gift idea” 3. Going about the holiday like it is a chore to fulfill really kills my mood– it’s not a duty) My husband and I spend so much time, money and effort traveling to see all of our family members for Christmas…often to be met with a general apathy, longing for real interaction, one in which we seek to have meaningful exchanges with our family members….where we actually get to know each other…where it feels like they care about who we are.

We’ve tried presenting them with ideas…one idea is to do a polyana of personal service. (Here’s the idea: write on a piece of paper three different things you could do for someone, like- make you dinner, babysit your kids, or offer a more personal skill. Put these lists into a bag, everyone draws one. An exchange of service!! What puts the “Christ” in Christmas more than service?) Anyhow…no one’s too interested in our wacky leftist democratic earth hippie ideas.

How did we get here?

Well- in all things adult, one has to look at one’s own role in any situation. It is the only way we learn…it is the only productive behavior, as we cannot change another’s behavior. So- to that end…in the spirit of learning from every situation and using my powers for good…I have found my folly: Expectation. One of my yogi tea bags once wisely said: “expectation is a fool’s currency”.

Well said. Placing expectations on another person sets everyone up for failure. Other people have their own will- their own agendas, their own perceptions. They may not be aware of your expectations. I can think of a few people that treat me with disappointment, yet I assure everyone, I have no idea what they expect from me.

I know from experience that the best way to operate is from your heart- i.e. don’t do anything you don’t want to do! I do things for people that I want to do. That leaves me free to not worry about the outcome, so I try my best not to. I can’t say I’m not disappointed when someone doesn’t seem to appreciate the hard work and love I have put in to making them something…but I need to remember that it isn’t the reason I made it in the first place. I made it because I wanted to express my love for that person in a way that I know how. I would never dream of expecting something physical in return….so I know I should not expect anything emotional in return, either.

Things are what they are. I know I can just try to shine and be the best I know how to be…and everything and everyone around me will be what they will be. It’s most important to be yourself, and to stay true to that person you are! I hope I can always make life and its events special and magical for Bodhi, and at the same time, teach him to enjoy things without placing expectation on them. I guess I am saying- I hope I can teach him to be free!

I know that Bodhi can go ahead and expect some things from me, though: singing in different languages, hand crafts, lebkuchen and love. Lots and lots of love.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah!!